I’m writing this in my bed at 4 am on a Friday night. I’ve been in this bed for the past 48 hours, I haven’t even opened the apartment door once during all this time.
A short reminder about who’s talking here (you could read more about me in ‘my depression’ link to the left). I’ve been in therapy for the past 11.5 years. For some reason, I’ve never had suicidal thoughts. Also I never cut myself. I am thankful that these two conditions have never been my share.
I hate how unclear it is, how to handle depression. Yet, I could update that recently two things changed in my life. They made some impact, but it’s too soon to tell how deep. The things that have changed are me being shifted at work from a management position to a ‘fuck you we don’t appreciate or like you’ position; and, a loving person contacted me through this blog, and we started dating not so long ago.
The job chew-up I experienced came after a 1 year period of suffering at my previous position, and while at first it upset and hurt me, the next day I decided that I’ll not pursue any other job. Instead, I chose to receive the opportunity I’ve been given to be a professional slack off at work, so that I can free myself to focus more on my therapy. This is going not so bad, actually, and I’m really glad I was given this chance. My new job title is much less pressuring, and I enjoy being a bureaucrat aspiring for mediocrity.
The guy I’m dating is both wonderful and unavailable, which makes things less than perfect, but does enable me to focus on myself in therapy, and not be entirely dependent on him. I guess you can find advantages and disadvantages in anything, provided you look for them.
So what impact did these two changes have on me?
I guess I could start with my fridge. It has food in it. It never had food in it before. My apartment is usually organized and not a total mess. I still don’t do dishes or laundry on a schedule. I still can’t wake up when I decide.
I still don’t have much of a life, but, I did start going out and meeting friends a little more. I have always had two soul-mate friends which I talked about in previous posts; and I have added a few more people to my circle of loving people who I meet: two very good friends I met through work (they both left), we meet every once in a while. In addition, my brother, who had a very busy life, has become a father about a year ago, making him pretty much a home-guy most of the time, and I sometimes go to his place after work and talk with him. I’m very lucky to have these people.
But here’s the thing… My brother turned father more than a year ago. These guys that I meet up with lately, I’ve known them for years. And I only started actively contacting them just now. It’s not that they were unavailable before. It’s not that I didn’t have the time before. I had the time, but not the emotional availability.
It’s partially related to stress I had from work, which left me exhausted at the end of every day. But it’s not just that. It’s something else. I don’t know what that something else is. No, I do know. It’s change. Something’s changed. I don’t know how or why, and I hate that. Because if it gets lost, I wouldn’t know how to get it back.
I’m running out of words to write. It’s 4:50 am now. Birds are doing that thing they do we call singing. It just started raining a moment ago. I am cold and alone on this February Saturday morning. I have food in my fridge but I haven’t eaten any of it yesterday; all I ate is junk. This is why I normally never had anything in my fridge in the first place. But I’m thinking about eating something today.
I have vegetables, eggs, bread, butter and canned tuna, and I’ve recently bought a toaster. Maybe I’ll make an omelet with toasts and a salad. Mmmm, sounds yummy. I’ll probably not clean up the mess after I’m done eating for days. That would be unfortunate… but I should eat. Not now though. It’s too goddamn quiet outside and cold inside. I’ll probably find myself masturbating soon. I’m not horny, but it makes me tired which allows me to sleep. But when I wake up, I’ll make myself breakfast.
I hope things will continue looking brighter for me in the future. But I can’t be sure of that. I’ve always been careful of hope. This has not changed. Not yet.
Love ♥ xoxo
Ceedotmex
